I apologize to anyone who was reading this blog for the lack of posts.
Due to the busyness of the Christmas season and additional responsibilities in Jan/Feb 2010, there have been and will not be posts until March
7 parenting maps that will lead you the wrong way October 29, 2009
Dr. Kimmel shares some broad categories of parenting in the Christian community.
1. Fear Based Parenting: “Scared of Hollywood, the internet, public school, Halloween, the gay community, drugs, alcohol, rock music, rap, partying neighbours…” He goes on to say that the final product of this type of parenting is intimidated kids. They won’t have passion for people because they fear them, they may even become indifferent to or rebel against their parents, their church and God.
2. Evangelical Behavior Modification Parenting: Focuses on making sure that there is proper education, environment, information and absence of negative influence. He reveals 2 flawed assumptions. First, that the battle of raising a child is primarily external, when it is actually mostly an internal struggle. Second that a parents spiritual life can be transferred onto a child’s heart much like information is placed on a hard drive of computer. The outcome is a one dimensional, nice, together looking family. Unfortunately without the depth this type of family cannot endure hard times.
3. Image control Parenting: This is appearance focused parenting: Attending church on time, looking nice, saying nice things. Also the schools you attend, the movies you see, the amount of bible trivia you can spout off. etc. The shortfall of this is they are well meaning people making good choices for the wrong reasons. Kids can sense that they are living by a checklist and do not feel cared for in this facade.
4. High Control Parenting: This form is fueled by toxicity: fear, anger, shame, misused strength. Parents use their strength to control their kids and get them to meet expectations: Often selfish and unrealistic ones. High control parents are often blind to their devices and tend to morally justify their decisions. They are so sure they are RIGHT they can’t see that damage they are doing.
5. Herd Mentality Parenting: Follow the crowd from trend to trend: If it is extra curricular’s that others do they sign their kids up, if it is going to all of the church events, they do that. They don’t think as individual and don’t look to the specific needs of their family. They do not rely on prayer for guidance, observation of family members or plain old spontaneity.
6. Duct Tape Parenting: This is parental coping, they find temporary solutions, when crisis occurs. These families are running on empty. Too busy, too many bills and can only focus on the immediate and not the permanent.
7. Life Support 911 Parenting: Picking a crisis to focus on, they allow that to dominate their life. They cannot get away from it to build into the family. The crisis ends up being used as a crutch not to do other things.
Dr. Kimmel notes that all of these styles are rooted in fear. They are no fun for parents and steal joy from kids. Some parts of parenting should not be fun, we can all agree on that but, he concludes
“A home should be a place that brings the best out in everyone and grooms children for confident and effective adulthood.”
More to come,
Grace and Peace
Adam
Chapter One A: Why Well Meaning Parenting Falls Short September 29, 2009
Chapter 1: Begins with a great visual of the challenge of parenthood. (This is so jam packed with information I am summarizing it in 2 separate sessions.
Picture a table: With a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle on it, with a huge variety of shapes and colours and patterns. He adds: The boarder pieces are missing and there are a couple of handfuls of pieces from another puzzle thrown in. Finally the lid of the box that you were hoping to use to get somewhere on this puzzle is lost.
This, he depicts, is the challenge of parenting in 21st Century North American culture.
The First key is to overcoming this challenge is to have a plan. We plan for everything these days but often we try and parent out of good intentions and will power. We need to admit we need a bigger picture plan.
The second key is realizing why there is no borders, how the extra pieces got in there and where the lid went.
The borders relate to the larger culture that has become increasingly individualistic and large scale morals and values seem to have lost its place in the fabric of our greater culture.
We react in several ways by being extreme parents to either one end of the pendulum or the other. There are those who clean out all clear moral boundaries. Letting life take its course with family both with spouse and children.
What turns out is parents who are ” guilty by either commission or omission of failing to lead their kids properly through childhood”
The there are those who close the fence in tightly around their children and keep them from harm. They restrict most outlets: media, friends, education, etc.
What turns out here is parents who are preventing Children from relying on God in rough times and preventing the “Holy Spirit from building up a true sense of moral resolve in their hearts. “
Both side well meaning, but both damaging to the Child. One to free the other to controlled. We all fall into this pendulum in our parenting.
Looking to the extra pieces of the puzzle he exposes the falsity in anyone who says that in order to be a good parent you must: Feed, Discipline or Educate your children in a certain way. He says, “Children are free agants and capable of resisting even the most effective parenting plans available.” Dr. Kimmel then moves towards what should we be planning, thinking and doing as parents.
He offers this foundational thought. “With all of the help that we have been given, especially as Christians, are we effective at producing the kinds of kids who are anxious to be used of God to reform the world around them?”
There is a growing divide between Christians and culture and even in the individual between Christ and culture. We rarely let the two meet and are uncomfortable when they do. Dr. Kimmel nails it on the head in the above quote.
We have as much work to do personally as we do parentally and our Christian Boxes are not helping us.
Kimmel writes: “It isn’t supposed to be this way. God left our families in communities to serve as porch lights, if you will, for the lost people around us. We are to be a steady glow that helps them find their way out of the darkness. when families are committed to being this, light, they are inclined to live more intimately with Christ. They pray more, study there bibles more, they care for one another, they reach out to their neighbours more. Somewhere in all the talk about raising kids, we moved away from this as a priority in our parenting.”
I think so far this chapter, if I boiled it down, it would say that having a vision for parenting that lines up to scripture and is real (not gimmicky), mindful (present to your children’s needs) and faithful (Leading your children to live in a difficult world and by the strength of a God that is real and loves them.)
Thoughts, questions, comments let me know
Grace and Peace
Adam
Grace Based Parenting Introduction September 16, 2009
Greetings Trinity Families,
Over the next several months I will be reading and blogging an overview, thoughts and impressions of the book, “Grace Based Parenting” by Dr. Tim Kimmel the book is available on-line or at Salem Storehouse, on Merivale Road if you’d like to purchase the book, read along and join the conversation. I hope you will join me as I look into what this book says is “a fresh start” and a way to “set your family free”.
Stay tuned for the post for Chapter 1
Grace and Peace
Adam
